BADass SINema Unearthed - Blu-ray Review
- Published Date
- by Loron Hays
Cue the cheesy synths. Grab the saxophone, too. It’s time for Vanity to hose herself down in director Gil Bettman’s Never Too Young To Die. This film is easily the best thing John Stamos has ever done. Forget Full House. Forget his music, too. You’ve never seen anything like the batshit crazy antics in this camp-infused classic, which sees a heavy metal-minded he-she trying to poison a city’s drinking water with, of all things, a floppy disc.
Thank you, Scream Factory, you’ve made my year with this goddamned release. To think that Stamos thought this film was his ticket to fortune and fame! It wasn’t, but we get to revel in the gender-bending splendor of it all.
Never Too Young to Die has everything. You want a flamboyant hermaphrodite henchman? You got it. You want kung-fu kicks and super spy stunts? No problem. You want Road Warrior-type hooligans running rampant through Los Angeles? Done. We even get KISS’ Gene Simmons as the criminal ringleader that is bound and determined to poison the cities water supply. My Goddess, I’ve never laughed harder or longer than at the mad rages of this wonderfully empty-headed flick.
This is pure cinematic illumination. Everything makes sense to me now. Algebra? No problem. Geometry? Aced. And I owe it all to Lance Stargrove (Stamos) and his abilities at gymnastics. Now, you should know that the only badass in the movie is George Lazenby (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service). He’s a rock. Unfortunately, he’s also killed early on in the movie. His estranged son, Lance is partnered with Danja Deeling (Vanity) to bring down Velvet Van Ragnar (Simmons) and his crew of post-apocalyptic highwaymen.
Honestly? I don’t believe for one second that my review – hell, ANY review – could EVER do this cult classic justice. You simply have to see it to believe it. You really do. After the opening that introduces the audience to all the twinkle-toed characters, the movie unfolds in typical 1980s fashion: cheesy theme songs and really bad editing. And Simmons as Ragnar, complete in outfits even Tim Curry wouldn’t touch, makes it rain for all the girls and boys in La La Land.
Hell, even Peter Kwong (Big Trouble In Little China) and Robert Englund (A Nightmare On Elm Street) shows up in the b-film to offer advice. Shout Factory has seen fit to bring this stinker back out in the light of the day, polishing it for its blu-ray debut. Stamos and Simmons, both of whom have been trying to get it back into the open, should be happy now. I’m sure it is only a matter of time until it will be playing as a midnight movie somewhere in these United States.
Listen up, my little turdballs! Grab some beer. Pop the corn. And sit back. John Stamos will guide you through one of the funniest shit-storms ever made in Never Too Young To Die.
MPAA Rating: R.
Runtime: 92 mins
Director: Gil Bettman
Writer: Steven Paul and Anthony Foutz and Gil Bettman
Cast: John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons
Memorable Movie Quote: "I'm gonna poison their water supply! For gold! For ransom! For jewels! For money!"
Theatrical Distributor: Paul Entertainment
Official Site: https://www.shoutfactory.com/film/action-adventure/never-too-young-to-die
Release Date: June 13, 1986
DVD/Blu-ray Release Date: April 11, 2017
Synopsis: When a top secret agent (George Lazenby, On Her Majesty's Secret Service) is murdered, his estranged gymnast son Lance Stargrove (John Stamos, Full House) teams up with his dad's seductive and deadly associate, Danja Deering (Vanity, The Last Dragon) to face his father's killer... the fiendish mastermind Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons, the fiendish mastermind behind Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame inductee KISS.) The hermaphroditic heel is hell-bent on a scheme to poison the city's water supply — and it's up to Stargrove to crush Velvet once and for all!
Home Video Distributor: Shout Factory
Available on Blu-ray - April 11, 2016
Screen Formats: 1.78:1
Discs: Blu-ray Disc; Two-disc set
Region Encoding: A/1
Shout Factory brings Never Too Young To Die on 1080p with a clean and crisp transfer that is heavily detailed with more than Vanity’s nipples. Presented in a 1.78:1 aspect ratio, the film is highly charged with punctuated colors and nice, thick lines of definition. Shadows are varied and details in the locations are noticeable, more defined than ever before. The sound is presented in a DTS-HD Master Audio Stereo track so that you can REALLY enjoy the synth sounds of Lennie Niehaus’ score.
From Pop Culture Historian Russell Dyball, the commentary track for Never Too Young to Die is as essential as the movie. Camp purists will be pleased.
- A DVD copy is included.