BADass SINema Unearthed - Blu-ray Review

Star Crystal (1986) - Blu-ray Review

  • Movie Review

  • Details

  • Blu-ray Review

  • Trailer

  • Art

Star Crystal (1986) - Blu-ray Review

1 beersStar Crystal, with its point of origin stemming from the bad end of 1986, is as useful as liquid flatulence.  If this is what happens in 2035 on the surface of Mars, then I hope I’m long gone.  Because I. Just. Can’t. 

For a 90-minute flick, Star Crystal feels like an eternity.  It’s a hybrid science fiction tale that attempts to cross into horror, but the acting is so entirely awful that the audience’s survival rate is as low, low, low as its nothing budget.  And that alien on the cover of the poster?  Not. Even. In. The. Movie.  I’d like to say that your patience – as a b-movie lover – would be rewarded if you did keep focused on the straight and narrow and actually made it through this one.  But that is definitely NOT the case with this slow drip of a movie.

Star Crystal is a turd.  You simply can’t laugh through the tears this one causes.  With dialogue that suggests a murder can be determined by staring at slime on pants, the movie is completely off its rocker.  And it gets worse the longer it goes, ending with an alien life form that comes to know Christ and repents of its human-killing ways as it steals a ship to get home upon. 

Written and directed by Lance Lindsay (Real Bullets), fans of b-movies are urged to keep on walking should they ever see this one on the shelves.  You might want to enjoy Star Crystal, thinking that surely there is something redemptive about it.  It is; however, just one bad movie.   

The astronauts on board this drifting spaceship probably get along as well as those in Alien.  With beige Dickies uniforms, motorcycle helmets, and stupid-looking boots, the first 15 minutes of this flick is wasted on a crew who is soon dead.  After walking the surface of Mars, a cosmic rock is pulled from the surface and tossed aboard their ship.  It spits out a bunch of slime and a tiny alien and soon all hell breaks loose, with the crew running out of breathable air. 

TWO MONTHS LATER…

…another crew attempts to discover what went wrong aboard the spaceship.  They just don’t ever expect the danger to be alien in origin and, because it is still pissed off, starts planning their deaths.

Unfortunately, the many tentacles of this pissed off alien can’t kill them fast enough.  I mean, people do die and, pretty soon, there are only two people left.  But the alien has even bigger plans.  He’s learned English and, because what else do you do in space, has done a lot of reading.  Upon finishing a digital version of the Bible, he reveals his name to the remaining crew, apologizes for all the random killing of their plain-looking crew, and, ultimately, decides that humans are okay. 

Oh, and his name is Gar.  And, before the movie is over, the surviving crewmembers will be dining with him; they will also play board games with him.  I shit you not. 

Starring C. Jutson Campbell, Faye Bolt, and John W. Smith, Star Crystal is full of weak practical effects, dot matrix printers, and Atari sound effects.  The spaceship models – including a round space station - are relatively plain and strangely gamey, but all of that is forgivable.  Hell, even the cardboard sets can be overlooked.  It’s the dullness of everything else that becomes troublesome.  The fact that the film flatlines as early as it does is not, though. 

Star Crystal is what happens when visiting aliens read what Gideons International left in their motel rooms.  Bizarrely enough, it is now available on blu-ray courtesy of Kino Lorber Studio Classics.  This movie, though, is indefensible.

Star Crystal (1986) - Blu-ray Review

MPAA Rating: R.
Runtime:
91 mins
Director
: Lance Lindsay
Writer:
Lance Lindsay
Cast:
C. Juston Campbell, Faye Bolt, John W. Smith
Genre
: Horror | Sci-fi
Tagline:
..In Space scientists have discovered a new life form...they are about to wish they hadn't...
Memorable Movie Quote: "According to the computer, there are only two emergency supply depots between here and earth."
Theatrical Distributor:
New World Pictures
Official Site:
Release Date:
April, 1986
DVD/Blu-ray Release Date:
July 11, 2017
Synopsis: the year 2035 scientists discovered a new life form... they wish they hadn’t. It was found during a routine expedition to Mars, buried just beneath the surface of the angry red planet. But what was initially thought to be just a curiously shaped rock turned out to be something much more: hidden within was an unknown alien species unlike any that science had ever encountered. And it has escaped. Now after the catastrophic destruction of their orbital space station, the ragtag crew of Shuttlecraft SC37 is adrift in space with limited oxygen, dwindling supplies and one very unwelcome guest.

Star Crystal (1986) - Blu-ray Review

Blu-ray

Blu-ray Details:

Home Video Distributor: Kino Lorber
Available on Blu-ray
- July 11, 2017
Screen Formats: 1.85:1
Subtitles
: None
Audio:
English: DTS-HD Master Audio 2.0
Discs: Blu-ray Disc; single disc
Region Encoding: Region A

With an aspect ratio of 1.85:1, Star Crystal lands on blu-ray with mixed results.  You should not expect this one to look brilliant on 1080p.  Black levels are weak and depths are defeated by a low budget that imagines the future as plain, plain, plain.  Colors are muted and effects, while moist, are surprisingly not detailed.   The sound is presented with a DTS-HD 2.0 Mono track.

Supplements:

Commentary:

  • None

Special Features:

  • None

Star Crystal (1986) - Blu-ray Review

Movie Reviews

Our Tweets

 

You are here: Home Home Video BADass B-Movies Star Crystal (1986) - Blu-ray Review
Follow us on Twitter
Like us on Facebook
Google+
Reel Reviews - Youtube Channel
Find us on Rotten Tomatoes