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David Gordon Green’s The Sitter is essentially an R-rated retooling of Chris Columbus’s Adventures in Babysitting from 1987. The kids are edgier, situations are shamefully more homophobic, and, opening with a scene of oral sex, it’s completely unafraid to offend. From American Pie concerns to Uncle Buck situations, The Sitter begs and borrows and steals its running time, but – when the punch line to every set-up, gag, or joke depends on Hill berating a kid – things get tired super fast.
Essentially, instead of Elizabeth Shue, you have Jonah Hill and his three sidekicks (or sittees) embarking on a wild night across Manhattan in search of said dino-drugs for his girlfriend so that he can, as promised, boink her. It’s a movie that is crammed with cherry bombs, kickboxers, cocaine, exploding toilets, not one but two stolen cars, a bizarre love triangle, inappropriate urinating, and emotionally unavailable parents. It also features Sam Rockwell selling drugs housed in dinosaur eggs.
Oh yes, it’s all very unoriginal and uninspired. You get what you pay for, right? The biggest problem is - and keep in mind that I like Green’s work - that The Sitter is completely unnecessary as far as remakes go. It isn’t funnier than what came before (only weirder and tasteless) and - when it finally comes to landing its mawkish teenage themes - it doesn’t have the heart to give any sort of meaning to its misadventures.
Written by - because we have to have some one to blame for making 81 minutes feel like an eternity – newbies Brian Gatewood and Alessandro Tanaka, The Sitter follows a suspended college student, Noah (Hill), on one night of babysitting. Charged with providing care for Slater (Max Records), Blithe (Landry Bender) and exchange student Rodrigo (Kevin Hernandez), Noah finds himself in a bit of dilemma when his girlfriend, Marisa (Ali Graynor), yanks his chain with enticing talk of sexual opportunities…
...if only he wasn’t saddled with the kids for a night…
Noah decides to bring the kids. Damn the consequences and, just like that, the wild chases through the streets and side alleys of Manhattan begin. With appearances from Method Man, J. B. Smoove, and Rockwell, The Sitter promises a rocking time but can’t seem to find its footing with material that, while incredibly easy, never lands its flow or builds a rhythm. It’s just a jaunt through Awkward City with Mr. McAwkward and the Awkwardettes.
No one’s laughing.
Because it lacks a purpose to exist, Green, Hill and company find themselves trapped in a movie that is more bizarre than it is ever entertaining. The Sitter is a lame dog completely without identity, yet sadly tries to paw one out with 80s references, dumb facebook gags, pop culture quips, and a soundtrack ripped straight out of some sort of synthesized nirvana. Yup, even the auditory irony isn’t good.
Green is so much better a director than this. He’s done some great dramas, All the Real Girls, and he’s had a major hit with the highs of Pineapple Express. While Your Highness didn’t get the box office numbers, it has gone on to be a sort of twisted cult hit and is nowhere near the low that is The Sitter.
Nope, in the race of good Green films, The Sitter arrives in last place. Hell, it can’t even compete. Crippled by horrible gags and lackluster performances, The Sitter can’t even run in place. It’s lazy, ridiculous, and hinges on a series of unrealistic time constraints that will have your head spinning before the night is through.
The familiar fish-out-of-water routine that puts Hill as babysitter of three annoying kids isn’t enough to keep this torrid turd afloat. Even if Rockwell’s bipolar shtick and warehouse full of scantily-clad bodybuilders is a good for a laugh or two, there’s no mistaking that this film is best avoided until drunk, stoned, or simply stupid.
The Sitter should be sat out.
MPAA Rating: 
