by Frank Wilkins
With Disney's Teacher's Pet, yet another successful television animated series takes its bit to the big screen. But much like Nickelodeon's most recent TV to big-screen conversions Hey Arnold! The Movie, and Rugrats Go Wild!, Teacher's Pet is destined for a quick release to home video - but not for the same reasons. Although Arnold and Go Wild suffered from uninteresting scriptwriting and general production malaise, unlike Teacher's Pet, those two films accurately identified children as their target audience. They took a shot and missed, but at least they fired in the right direction.

With most of Teacher's Pet's humor clearly aimed above the heads of children, and with its inclusion of songs that more closely resemble Broadway show tunes than catchy little Phil Collins ballads, it's obvious that the film's producers – award-winning illustrator Gary Baseman and writers Bill and Cheri Steinkellner - have targeted adults as the primary audience. And I have to ask why. It's one thing to target children and throw in some dated quips and the occasional carnal reference to appease the grown-ups, but to deliberately ignore the cash cow of the animated genre is a certain death sentence. Make no mistake about it – Teacher's Pet (the movie) doesn't appeal to children nor do they think it's funny.

Those familiar with the Saturday morning TV cartoon series know that Spot (voiced by Nathan Lane) is a talking dog that envies the life of his boy Master, Leonard Helperman (voiced by Shaun Flemming). So much so that he dresses up in human clothes, including pants, glasses and a "Jughead" beanie, to pass himself off as a boy while he attends school with Leonard.

The movie opens with a parallel to Pinocchio as we see the famous little wooden mannequin being granted his wish from a fairy. As he is about to be tapped by the fairy's wand, the setting abruptly changes to show Spot lying in bed, dreaming of becoming a "real boy". The homage to the popular Disney classic ends there however, as Teacher's Pet's humor takes the crude route from here on out as so many of today's cartoons and animated features do. The characters are neither charming nor charismatic. In fact they are actually quite repulsive. But if part of the joke is being repulsive, as is the case with The Simpsons, you'd better be funny. Teacher's Pet is not.

After pausing for a brief musical number (the tune is not catchy nor are the words memorable) we join Spot, as he accompanies Leonard and his mother (voiced by Debra Jo Rupp) on a trip to Florida. While Scott and his Mom are heading for a sun-filled vacation, Spot is tagging along to seek the genetic assistance of Doctor Krank (voiced by Kelsey Grammer), who claims to have the means to change dogs into humans. It seems Spot learned about Dr. Krank's claims from an episode of the Barry Anger show, a deliberate reference to real life's Jerry Springer Show. Are kids supposed to get this reference? Are adults supposed to think it's clever or funny?

Mayhem ensues as Doctor Krank proves to be a fraud. It seems Doctor Krank failed to calculate for the difference in dog and human years, leaving Spot in a mutated state somewhere between Jackie Mason and a character from The Hair Bear Bunch. Most of the humor from this point forward emulates the plot's aimlessness, firing in all directions with the intent of entertaining the children while making the adults chuckle. Unfortunately they missed both targets. Wait to catch Teacher's Pet when it releases on DVD. It shouldn't take too long.

Frank Wilkins